How to Find a New Way to Have Sex that Works For You

It's the 21st Century and it's time for women to have good sex and relationships that are tailored to their needs. Discover 3 simple ways you can make your sex and relationships better AND yourself happier now!

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So, it's easy to believe there’s only one way to have sex. One way to do relationships. A single route to loving someone.

Society continuously recycles the same old stories of monogamy, heterosexuality, penis power and passive females like there's no tomorrow!

Just like with everything else, sex and relationships have been given their social pigeon holes. And, anything that doesn't fit into these narrow definitions, or isn't deemed "mainstream" enough, is marginalised or even demonised.

This is SUPER problematic because if a narrow definition of sex and relationships is all we're exposed to this can seriously stunt our personal expression of love and sex.


How to Have Sex and Relationships that Work for YOU

I wrote this blog because I wanted to add something a little different to the mix and highlight a few ways in which sex and relationships as you know it, may not actually be as you know it.

Here's a some alternatives to those old stories of monogamy, heterosexuality, penis power and passive females!

1. Think about how you receive and give pleasure

There’s so much discussion around orgasms and at The Good Sex I'm extremely grateful for it and a part of it; any conversations centred around, and which prioritise, female pleasure are welcome here!

However, female pleasure is too often defined through orgasms and this is a tricky narrative to perpetuate.

Focusing on orgasms as the be all and end all isolates many who struggle to have them, dislike them or experience pleasure in a different way altogether.

It also puts an undue amount of pressure on women and partners to get there and get there every time. Goal oriented sex is never a good idea, and going into sex thinking “I want an orgasm” or “I will give her an orgasm” is setting yourself and partners up for disappointment.

Related: How to Have Good Sex By Yourself

The brain is the biggest sex organ in the body and to put such demands on it stunts your sexual expression and ability to enjoy what’s happening in the here and now.

Simply put, you can’t pressure orgasms into existence nor should you feel like you have too, or it’s your only option for pleasure.

We need more open conversations about female pleasure that account for all ways pleasure can be given and received.

Sex shouldn’t have rules or aims or pressure. The only thing you have to consider is being present and consenting to each and every activity. The rest is up for grabs.

2. Change your definition of 'sex'

To continue with the theme of breaking with convention let’s talk about what’s down there *ahem*

Penises and vaginas as lovely as they are, and what magic they can make, they don’t always belong or need to be together.

Whatever your sexuality, and however you prefer to express that sexuality, penis in vagina is not the only sex that’s worth having.

Many women don’t like penetrative sex, most women don’t orgasm from it and for some it can cause pain and discomfort.

So broadening your horizons and looking for new ways to seek pleasure and experience your partners body can be a great opportunity.

Sensory play and “light” kink can be a real turn on and a venture into something new. Think silk sheets, feathers, gentle spanking and blindfolds.

Related: First Time Trying Kinky Play? Here's What You Need to Know

Sex, just like relationships (and humans), should always be evolving and looking forward. This takes exploration so there’s no need to be shy, do your research and communicate with partners about trying something new.

How about toys? There’s a world full of high quality, high pleasure sex toys available for everyone.

Toys that focus on the clitoris and other body parts to create sensation are useful if penetration isn't for you. Putting aside the weird names; bullet vibrators, nipple clamps and magic wands are examples.

If penetrative play is a turn on but P in V isn’t your thang, you could add a double ended dildo or vibrating love eggs into the equation.

Toys wherein your partner can control your experience remotely are not only explosive at creating sexual pleasure but they’re a bonding force between you and your partners as trust, compassion and respect is a must to use correctly.

Related: The Ultimate Guide to the Best Sex Toys for Every Woman

3. Think about your relationship style and what suits you

There’s a lot of choice and freedom in the world of love and sex. Therefore you should be able to build, and rebuild, relationships that fulfil yours and your partners needs.

You should be able to put whatever label on your relationship you see fit, and explore new boundaries, ideas and experiences.

Monogamy is no longer the only way, and sexuality doesn’t have to be expressed within strict confines anymore.

Related: 7 Keys to a Fulfilling Polyamorous Relationship

However, it can be scary and intimidating to try a new relationship style or change the “terms” of the relationship you’ve already committed to.

There can be a strong sense of ownership in relationships, and the idea of change can be perceived as a threat to this ownership, to our security. It’s a threat we can perceive as devaluing our relationship and thus devaluing ourselves.

Nevertheless experiencing and building new relationships is an opportunity for growth and fulfilment. It’s a chance to shape the boundaries of your relationships to fit you and your partners needs.

Instead of being scary it can be exhilarating and interesting.

It’s also worth noting that you don’t have to have a certain label to be a good person or have a good relationship.

Although many people see the labels “open relationship,” “swingers” or “non monogamy” and connect them negatively with promiscuity.

The label you put on a relationship doesn’t infer the quality of the relationship or the people in it.

The way you treat each other, your morals and ethics, and your ability to love and stay true to how you practice that love is what will determine the quality of your relationship.

Remember, relationships just like sex aren’t one size fits all anymore and it's up to you to create something that works for YOU.