Starting a New Relationship: How to Find Sex and Love

Discover tips for starting a new relationship that will LAST! Read my advice on how to find sex and love in a new relationship.

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So you’ve started a new relationship and so far it’s all going swimmingly, yay for you!

You’re rolling around in sexual harmony and loved up bliss... and then OF COURSE right on cue, the scary questions start creeping in: Can you have it all? Is this all too good to be true? What’s wrong with this seemingly-perfect human being? Are you good enough to start a new relationship?

Well rule number one in the cute book of new relationship rules: STOP PANICKING.

Starting a New Relationship is Scary

The idea of starting a new relationship and taking a chance on someone new is frightening; you’re allowed to feel scared or nervous!

You’re not alone in feeling the weight of starting a new relationship- and unfortunately I think the weight is a bit heavier for women.

If I’ve realised anything in my dating pursuits, it’s that we all have a lot to consider when picking a potential partner and recognising that YES IT IS HARD can be really freeing.

Like everything else in life, love and sex are complex and we don’t have to be perfect at either of them. No one arrives on this planet naturally amazing at navigating relationships so don’t put the pressure on yourself to be perfect!

Most definitely my first piece of advice for new relationships is: be comfortable with it being a bit of a minefield. Whether this is your first relationship or your fifteenth it WILL be different and that means you won’t know everything- that’s okay.

New Relationship ‘Rules’ to Consider

So, I’ve written this blog after many moons of dating and a lot of thinking about the steps in a new relationship; what things you should talk about in a new relationship, what you should consider about your new partner, when is the right time to introduce your fetishes BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I’ve come up with some new relationship ‘rules’ for you to think about (they aren’t really rules but you get the picture)... These are things to consider when starting a new relationship, things that will help you find sex and love and all those lovely things you deserve.

New Relationship Rule #1: Be Yourself

So right now you’re either thinking- ‘WELL OBVIOUSLY I’LL BE ME WHO ELSE WOULD I BE?’

Or, you’re thinking, ‘I tried that and I’ve spent the last 10 Saturdays on my sofa with my cat so NO THANK YOU!’

But seriously, at risk of sounding like your Mom, in a new relationship it’s important to be yourself right from the start.

When you start a new relationship you want to put your best foot forward and the parts which won’t immediately seem attractive/ easy to understand in a new relationship it can be tempting to smooth over or crop out altogether.

It’s easy to become a caricature of yourself in an attempt to attract someone else BUT this only leads to disappointment.

For a lasting relationship, full of love and sex and happiness and pleasure, you need to start a new relationship being completely honest and confident in who you are!

This includes your sexual self too- if you have a specific fetish you need to be honest about that OR if you love using sex toys and CANNOT have a good sexual experience without them, share this!

I’m not saying you need to unload all of this information on your first date BUT you do need to put yourself out there honestly, because you’ll be doing yourself and your date a disservice if not.

If you start dating as a filtered down version of yourself (or worse- a completely different version of yourself) you will only end up disappointed.

The first rule for a new relationship is to be yourself and be transparent with your new partner/s.

New Relationship Rule #2: Pay Attention to Red Flags

When something turns you off, when something makes you feel bad or when someone disrespects you- these are RED FLAGS and you need to pay attention to these when starting a new relationship.

Not every red flag will warrant an action- just because someone has terrible underwear it doesn’t mean you have to break up.

BUT being aware of your boundaries, your expectations and what you want in a new relationship will generally pave the way for a healthy sex life and relationship.

Pay attention to any red flags, particularly anything that makes you feel disrespected, uncomfortable or self-conscious- these may need acting upon when starting a new relationship.

Related: Toxic Relationships and How to Break From Them

New Relationship Rule #3: Respect Your Growth (and Keep Growing!)

I feel like one of the things we’re all guilty of when we start a new relationship is thinking that’s the end of our personal growth.

We think because we’ve found a new partner/ happiness/ sexual pleasure that’s it we’re there (I’m unsure where ‘THERE’ is to be honest but I assume it’s where there’s actual unicorns and many an avocado).

Frustratingly, there’s this idea floating around: the end of ‘me’ happens with the start of ‘us’ BUT I AM HERE TO STOMP THIS ONE OUT.

You are still an individual when you have a new partner; there’s always room for progression and you should always be striving to move forward.

Similarly, you should acknowledge and respect the growth you’ve already done: life is long (hopefully) and so you may have had many relationships previously. You won’t be the same person in every relationship or sexual experience you have but the best thing you can do is take forward positive lessons learned and try to leave the past in the past.

As much as it’s easy to get caught up in the past, or in who you think you ‘should’ be, respect YOUR growth and lean into it; your experiences are what make you a whole person and this goes for your partner/s too.

New Relationship Rule #4: Abstinence Doesn’t Equal Love

When it comes to sex and love the old wives tale about no one wanting to buy the cow if you give the milk away for free doesn’t have to be true anymore- it can be, but it doesn’t have to be!

Firstly, in a new relationship (just like in any other stage of a relationship) your partner should respect you regardless of when/ if you’re willing to have sex with them.

Secondly, it’s personal- for some people there will be a correlation between how long you wait to have sex in a new relationship and what kind of commitment they’re willing to give you.

However, this is a reflection on the people who are in that relationship- their ideas and beliefs around love, sex and dating- rather than an accurate depiction of what’s right and wrong.

The best time to have sex in a new relationship is when you feel ready, willing and safe to do so (sorry there’s no actual clock!).

This is something you need to talk about in a new relationship- I know the SEX talk can be daunting with a new partner, and it’s probably much easier to either ignore it completely or just fall into bed with each other.

BUT if you want to find sex and love in your new relationship you will need to talk about all of this at some point.

Related: 3 Questions You Need to Ask Every Partner Before Having Sex