Read all about how to boost your sexual confidence and feel like YOU again in the bedroom. Confidence can absolutely be learned so here's 4 top tips!
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Okay so we’ve all been there: low confidence Connie, feeling all sorts of insecure as we peel off the dressing gown and try to slink into the bed without an inch of our skin being exposed!
Sadly, this doesn’t make for a very fulfilling sexual experience and so our confidence is something we actively need to work on if we notice it’s flatlining.
Sidenote: You Had Some Help Feeling This Way
I want to begin by stating a fact that will *hopefully* bring you some comfort: we’re all human and we’ve all felt the dip of our confidence at some point. Yes, even the Goddess-like ladies on Instagram will have days when they feel like the Ugly Duckling.
You are absolutely not alone with having rubbish days, even if it feels like you are and like those days last for years.
To be honest, it’s no surprise we struggle with our confidence as women because there’s a whole industry built around teaching us we’re not good enough and we need to buy stuff to fill the gaps (it’s called ADVERTISING!)
We also lead full lives and lots of stuff (stuff we often don’t even realise) can affect how we feel about our bodies and what we do with them.
Women I’ve spoken to before about confidence have shared that the following has impacted their confidence levels:
Having children and no longer recognising your body
Going through a stressful life event
Attempting to balance life, work, kids, relationship etc- you tend to put yourself to the bottom of the pile
Weight change and not feeling 100% comfortable in your new skin yet
Being active on social media and being inundated with “perfect” bodies all day long
Being a survivor of sexual trauma and feeling disconnected from your body as a result
Having a change in life and the anxiety of that rocking your feeling of self-worth
Whatever the reason, and there are plenty that aren’t up there, most of us struggle with our confidence at some point in our lives. So please don’t feel alone with this and as I’m about to show you- there is always a way out!
Sexual Confidence IS an Option for You!
So yes, confidence is something we all struggle with at different times and it’s absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of and it’s not something you have to just “deal with.”
I hate when I hear a woman say ‘oh she’s just more confident than me’ or ‘i’m just not very confident’ as if that’s the end of the story. I want you to know that confidence is a muscle- meaning it can be trained! You can learn and relearn how to be confident!
In this blog I’m going to share four *simple* ways you can take action to boost your confidence and hopefully you’ll begin to realise that sexual confidence is within reach for you.
You can be that girl who parades around the house naked feeling 100% if you want too!
4 Ways You Can Boost Your Sexual Confidence from Today
Tip #1 Do the inner work first
So often when we want to feel more confident in the bedroom we do so because of our partners. We feel like we’re not enough for them or we’re doing “it” wrong somehow. We then look outside ourselves for the answers and we compare ourselves to how others are...unfortunately this is the exact wrong place to start your journey!
Confidence comes from within so when you want to improve it you need to begin with YOU.
The best way to do this is by reflecting on what confidence, and sexual confidence in particular, means to you.
This is stuff we don’t really think about until we’re struggling but it’s really important that we’re clued into what confidence means to us because without this we can’t nurture it!
So, begin your confidence boosting exercise by reflecting on these specific questions:
What does confidence mean to you?
What does confidence feel like to you? What does it look like?
When did you last feel confident? (Think of a situation where you felt fully confident in yourself)
What makes you feel confident? (For example: are there external conditions or tools that help you feel more confident?)
What stops you feeling confident?
Answer these questions in relation to general confidence first, then go back and answer them in relation to sexual confidence and see what comes up for you. If you take the time to properly reflect you’ll be surprised by your answers and where they can lead you.
Tip #2 Set yourself up to succeed
Many of us are our own worst enemies, let’s face it! And so we say we want to do this or be more that but actually our actions don’t reflect that AT ALL.
For example, we SAY we want to boost our confidence and feel better about ourselves but then we spend hours scrolling through Instagram lusting after bikini bodies that look nothing like ours and leave us feeling less than!
Give yourself a break babe and create the conditions that will nurture your confidence (see how this connects to the questions you reflected on in tip #1?!)
Some examples of this could be:
Curating your social media feed to only include empowering or body positive people and brands
Buying yourself new underwear to help you feel sexier everyday
Having a conversation with your partner about how you’re feeling and what you’re doing to make yourself feel more confident- and how they can help!
Reading some erotica before bed to get you in the mood
Writing and practicing some positive affirmations specifically designed to boost confidence and self-worth
There are unlimited options and it’ll be very personal to you what works because it’s all about YOUR needs.
This step is just about identifying how you can create an environment that supports your goal to feel more sexually confident and then taking action to do just that. The more action you take the more empowered you’ll feel too, action breeds confidence.
Tip #3 Practice asking for what you want first
If you struggle with asking for what you want sexually, if the thought of asserting yourself in the bedroom fills you with absolute DREAD, then this one’s for you!
A big part of having sexual confidence is knowing what you want and asking for it. However, this isn’t an easy feat for many of us who (for whatever reason) feel nervous/ embarrassed/ ashamed to ask for what we want sexually.
Sometimes we have an idea in our minds about who can ask for what they want and it’s not us- we couldn’t possibly assert ourselves in that way!
But, it’s important we do learn how because when your relationship or sex life doesn’t meet you needs and you’re not communicating with your partner it can be very destructive.
So to combat this we can begin taking baby steps forward.
To build your confidence in asking for what you want, practice with smaller relationship “asks” first. For example: you could ask your partner to take the bins out or ask them to watch your movie choice tonight.
It sounds silly but your confidence will increase as your partner begins agreeing to your requests and you voice your needs more (it’ll become habitual).
Slowly you’ll feel like asking isn’t as daunting as before and then you can move onto asking for more intimate things such as a massage or a cuddle in bed.
You don’t have to go from sexual confidence 0 to sex kitten ASAP- tiny steps forward are just as valuable as giant leaps!
Tip #4 Do your research!
Truth time- if this was any subject other than S.E.X you’d have hopped on Google by now and researched the cr*p out of it!
Just the thought of typing the words into Google’s search bar can have us frozen with fear and shame though- isn’t it super embarrassing to need help in this area? And, what do you even search for?
Firstly, I just want to reassure you that EVERYONE needs help with their sex life and relationships at some point or another. No one’s love life is 100% all the time, it’s just a lot of people don’t talk about their intimate issues and so it can feel like you’re completely alone when you want to reach out for help.
You deserve the support though and the internet can be a fabulous tool.
Related: How to Have Good Sex by Yourself
The best thing you can do when you struggle with anything in life- whether it’s boosting your sexual confidence or being unsure what cleaning products to use on that rug stain- is to get more information on the subject.
Empower yourself with knowledge; if you are more informed you’ll feel more confident in whatever action you take because it’ll be informed action (rather than just a shot in the dark!)
That said it can be difficult to know where to look online- the internet is BIG and can undoubtedly be terrifying- so I thought I’d share 4 spaces online that have some great information about sexuality:
Lovehoney- not only do they sell sex toys, they share sex advice too. They have a great blog with lots of “how to” guides and your questions answered.
Sex with Emily- Dr Emily Morse is an amazing sex educator! Her podcast, Sex with Emily, is super informative and her website is full of articles and information about how to get the most out of your sex life.
OMG yes! - a website based in research and science ALL centered around women’s pleasure (what’s not to love?!) Complete with techniques and video tutorials, there’s a one-time fee to gain access to all the material.
Sexplanations- a sex education Youtube channel that is amazing at answering all those strange questions you may have about sexuality! Straight-forward and again based in research and science.
A Final Note on Boosting Your Sexual Confidence…
Often when we don’t feel sexy it’s because we’re not actually doing anything to feel sexy- does that make sense?
Like we know there’s something missing, we know we don’t feel great but we sit in it rather than doing something about it.
We need to somehow re-integrate the sex back into our lives (because action breeds confidence, again!)
Do yourself a favour and insert some sex back into your life a baby step at a time- buy yourself a sex toy or some sexy lingerie or an erotica novel- and see how quickly you begin to see sex as an option again.
You’ll feel sexier and more confident as soon as you begin getting reacquainted with the intimate side of you again.